Musings on Wildness

I ran into an old friend this week at the grocery store. We hadn’t seen each other in a decade. I almost didn’t say hi because I wasn’t really sure what to expect or how it would go. But for some reason it felt right. I worked up the courage and to my surprise after a few moments, I found myself smiling. We had the usual cordial greeting with the how have you been? sorta stuff. He finally asked me, “Where have you been all this time?” I replied, “Home.  I don’t really like people much.” We bantered back and forth for a while more and finally I left. But this part I can’t get out of my head, at one point he said to me, “I knew you were sensitive and needed more time to process things, but I didn’t realize you hated all Humanity.”

 I’ve been thinking about those words for days now. Did I really hate Humanity or did I hate the way that Humanity expected me to be?

Jump forward to this morning. Honestly, I wasn’t feeling very well. After coffee, I decided to peruse Pinterest for inspiration and a quote fell into my lap as they often do. Belle Esteller said, “Do not tame the wolf within because you’ve met someone who doesn’t have the courage to handle you.” Ahhhh! So good, right?!?! It really made me think, there’s so much of myself that I don’t recognize any more. I’m a totally different person than the one my friend knew 10 years ago. But yet, there’s a wildfire that lives inside of me, burning. Burning with a desire for things that sometimes feel out of reach. Why do they feel out of reach?  For the person I once was? The person I’m growing in to? Are these the walls that people have built around me? Are these the barriers of criticism, judgment, stereotypes and pain that I feel when I go and believe against the norms. Is this why I just stay home? Maybe…

But all these other people in the world…do they also struggle with courage? Do they feel a fire inside, yet if they act on it they fear they will burned by their own kind? Why is there so much resistance to new ideas, change or deciding to live a different way? Why can’t we let people just do their own thing? Is it simply because if forces us to go into the unknown?

I was facing a tougher question though, do I have the courage to live my life without the walls I’ve created for myself? I went outside to clean up some leaves. In true empath fashion, I couldn’t stop thinking about this. So symbolically I noticed…these leaves don’t fall in the mulch pile. I raked them there. And until the wind blows, there they will stay. Eventually the snow will fall and these leave will stay dormant as I go on with other things. Spring will come. The sun will shine. The snow and ice will melt. The water will wake and ripple and flow freely how ever it feels…soft, hard, vigorous, gentle, passionately feeding itself the nourishment it needs to grow into its next phase of life. Is that what our thoughts do too? Do they nourish us to meet our needs or do they build walls that lie dormant and control our actions until someone or something wakes us up?

I suppose I’m more awake now than I ever have been (Thanks, friend!) and I know I will never fit in a box or file. So if you’ve put me in one, sorry for the extra paperwork. I will never be defined by one person, one idea, one religion, one town, one lifetime of choices. My spirit is too wild and full of love. It seems to get me into trouble, but I just can’t help it.

Nature knows no walls. It only gets them from humans who are looking to define their experience. If I am nature and nature is me…don’t I also deserve to be free? Free to cultivate a spirited life driven by fire, calmed by water, lifted by wind, warmed by sun, eager to roam and pursue what sets my heart on fire. I say, YES. 

P.S. This is why words matter. All this from one question. You influence other people with your words, actions, energy. Please do it with love. 

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